


Feel

by Karfraegh18



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-03 04:07:44
Rating: Teen & Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8695990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karfraegh18/pseuds/Karfraegh18
Summary: Jensen is ill.  He has been hiding it from Jared, but he can't anymore...
There is NO J2 death in this fic...Inspired by the song Feel by Robbie Williams - the words in bold and italics are lines from the song.  (YT Link)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes:

Written for Cancer awareness month, July 2009, for my good LJ friends Pippii and Kes1807. I don't mean to offend anyone with this fic, I have researched as much as i could, but i am not a specialist, nor to do I profess to be anything other than a writer in a strange world.

I am posting this to SD for the first time, as I am in the process of writing a christmas one off timestamp for this fic for an auction winner and i wanted you to have the chance to see this first...  


* * *

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
 ** _If Heaven Calls, I'm Coming_**

**_Too_**  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Jensen lied to Jared for one month and seven days.  
  
It wasn't a small lie. Not an i _t wasn't me who had the last beer_

kind of lie. It wasn't even a medium sized lie.  
  
Not a _no I'm totally happy just being your room mate_ kind of lie. 

This was a lie that defined his life and shaped his future. His and Jared's, 

his and Danneel's, the very future of supernatural.  
  
He hadn't even told his family. Just let his mom hold him when he cried, 

but wouldn't tell her why he cried. Let his sister think it was the whole 

gay for, and in love with, Jared thing. The cowards way out was to say nothing.  
  
Today he had to say. Season five done. It was too much. Too much to hold 

inside.

When he tried to start, Jared was still asleep and it was all he could do to whisper _I love you_ to his sleeping lover.   
He didn't know how to say the words and he stuttered and stopped, the air in his lungs tight and restricting as he reached for the one person who should know everything but didn't.   
  
Jared woke, disoriented, blinking season finale exhaustion from his eyes, Jensen clinging to him, sudden inconsolable grief choking words that his distraught lover was trying to say...

_Wait. Wait. Start again..._

_I lied._   
__  
Tell me.  
_  
I can't, how do i start?. You wanted forever. I can't give you that. Not anymore._

Tears slipped from hazel green eyes. A month of grief. A heart so full of pain and regret that it couldn't hold anymore. He curved in to Jared's strong grip, selfishly he wanted the last few minutes before it all had to change. Every muscle was shaking with fears. Fear curling and twisting in him so deep, he knew it would never end.

Jared started to cry, he didn't know what to do... filled in blanks that were never there.  
 __  
Who was it? Is it someone I know? How can I... tell me.  


_I'm so scared Jared._

_Of me? I won't hurt you, I couldn't hurt you. Whatever this is, whoever it was you went with... Jensen please._

Words spilled into the early morning. Words so full of vitriol. Of self hate. _I deserve this. We're wrong, I'm wrong._  
 _  
Jensen. Please._

Jensen had something in his hand. A card. Small. White. Jared prised his fingers open kissing each finger as he did. _Jensen please_.

An appointment. The doctor. For today. _Are you Ill? Did you catch something from the person that you... do_ _you have.._. _Jensen for fucks sake, please, how bad is it? Tell me._  


_No... Jared you have to know, I couldn't betray you, I love you..._  
  
Jensen, what is it?   
  
A tumor, my head... Jared help me.

Jared stopped. A shock so sudden it stole his breath, grief clutching at his heart, even as his strong hands supported Jensen. _It's ok. It's ok._ _  
_

Jared kissed icy promises to heated damp skin... _We'll do this together. The tests. Treatments. You promised me forever and I want forever dammit..._ _We'll do this together... everything will be OK...  
_  
This lie was his to keep, but Jensen pushed and pushed.

_What if there is no forever?_ _I wanted to grow old with you... to see you when our love wasn't new..._

_Jen, I promise you, If heaven ever dares to take you, I swear I'm coming too_

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ __ ****  
  
 _ **Come on hold my hand, I wanna contact the living… Not sure I understand, this role I’ve been given.**_

_****__**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++**_ _ **  
**_  
Jared went with Jensen to the first appointment, realising he was in shock and not sure what the hell he was going to do about it. He needed to be strong for Jensen, and he gripped his lover’s hand tighter as they sat, heads close, outside the office.

“Can you tell me?”

“How I found out?”

“Yes”

“The Lazik, when I had the pre-op check, simple stuff, drops in my eyes, routine, the examiner, just a technician, not even a real doctor you know, she spotted something that got her worried, and passed it up the food chain.”

“That Saturday, the Saturday you came back and you had the headache… you looked like you’d been crying… you told me it was the drops… you went to bed… you didn’t tell me?”

“What was there to tell Jay? I needed more tests, we were still filming, I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone talk to you.”

“Do you feel any different?”

“No… a few headaches… they say as it grows things could get worse…”

”Worse how…”

“Stronger headaches, maybe dizziness, nausea, other stuff.”

“But if they… if we… we can stop that right?”

Jensen squeezed his hand, even as a nurse with a soft smile on her face ushered them into the room simply marked, Room 7f, and into the realms of fantasy with a doctor who listed and suggested and noted in records. Jared struggled to listen, realising he was watching Jensen’s face, watching his reactions, and realising then that he was the one who needed to be strong, needed to listen, needed to get the facts, and he tried, he really tried.

“Mr Ackles, what we have here,” the doctor began, indicating charts, scans, backlit for detail, “the brain scan detected a golf ball-sized meningioma tumor in the back of your brain.”

“So why have I had no symptoms, I mean, could the scans be wrong?” In a way it was Jensen’s last hope, this denial that there was actually anything wrong, after all, he didn’t feel ill. It was end of season, of course everyone was tired, and the dizziness, the headaches, the feeling nauseous, that was just exhaustion… wasn’t it? And the numbness on the right side of his tongue his lips, he just blamed… well he hadn’t even thought about it.

The Doctor passed Jensen a leaflet, which sat on the desk untouched as he reiterated what it said in simple terms. “Symptoms are caused when the tumor presses on a nerve or damages a certain area of the brain. They also may be caused when the brain swells or fluid builds up within the skull. It is probable that we have caught this before it becomes large enough to make a difference in your physiology.”

“What can we expect?” Jared’s voice was calm; he was doing the questioning for Jensen.

“The brain is a very complex area, there could be a wide range of issues, such as changes in speech, vision, or hearing, problems with balancing or walking. There would definitely be changes in mood, personality, or ability to concentrate, problems with memory and there may even be seizures or convulsions depending on the area of the brain affected.”

“OK,” Jensen said simply. He hadn’t really had all of those, so they must have caught it early enough, all they needed to do was find it and cut it out, end of. “So what next?”

“Mr Ackles, patients presenting with brain tumors have several treatment options. Depending on the tumor type and stage, patients may be treated with surgery, radiation therapy, or chemotherapy. Some patients receive a combination of treatments.”

“Chemo?” Jared was stunned, was this cancer, was this poison in his lover’s body, spreading and killing and destroying? Brain tumours weren’t cancer, the doctor was wrong; they would just need to find another –

The doctor interrupted his thoughts with the continuation of the standard speech, his face carefully blank at the evidence of growing panic in the taller man’s eyes. He hated this bit, the simple list of what could happen, what could go wrong, how they could treat it, the options, he preferred the stage after denial, the acceptance, the actual work to make his patients better. He knew that he was the best person to describe the treatment choices and discuss the expected results but it was never any easier when he had a young person in front of him with shock in their face. “In addition, at any stage of disease, patients may have treatment to control pain and other symptoms of the cancer, to relieve the side effects of therapy, and to ease emotional problems… symptom management, supportive care, or palliative care.”

“So we cut it out.” Jensen insisted, his free hand, the one not in a death grip with Jared, lifted to curl into his short hair as if he could touch the tumor and pull it out himself.

“Brain surgery if of course our only real option in your case, having reviewed your MRI scans I think this could be a simple _in-out_ operation, and we can hope that there isn’t any secondary cells that will cause problems elsewhere. Brain tumors can be benign or malignant, benign tumours do not contain cancer cells Mr Ackles, usually, benign tumors can be removed, and they seldom grow back.

“How do you know it is benign?” Jared asked, blinking at the information being thrown at them.

“The border or edge of a benign brain tumor can be clearly seen, and the scans quite clearly show that there is a definite edge to the tumour.”

Jensen looked. Jared looked. They couldn’t see anything in amongst the greys and blacks, but both individually assumed that the other could see, not wanting to worry each other that it all seemed like one mass of brain. The Doctor continued, coughing and sipping at water in a glass.

“Cells from benign tumors do not invade tissues around them or spread to other parts of the body. However, benign tumors can press on sensitive areas of the brain and cause serious health problems. Which is why we need to operate quickly.”

“How soon will you do this?”

“Very quickly, although there are considerations, brain surgery of any kind may damage normal tissue. Brain damage can be a serious problem. You may have problems thinking, seeing, or speaking, there may be personality changes or seizures. Most of these problems lessen or disappear with time. But sometimes damage to the brain is permanent. You may need physical therapy, speech therapy, or occupational therapy.”

Jensen swallowed, frowing, a serious twist to his face, “…but… I’m an actor, I need to be back in three months… I only have three months.” Helplessly he turned to Jared, “We only have three months…” Jensen pressed his fingers to his temple, imagining pushing back the cancer, relieving the pain of the growing headache, and Jared just turned to the Doctor, a thousand questions on his lips… none of which he could form into words.

“We’ll start you on a course of Steroids now,” the Doctor continued, “to help relieve swelling of the brain, and some anticonvulsant medicine to prevent or control any seizures, and I need you to stay now so we can get you booked in for tomorrow.”

Jensen looked at the bag on the floor by his side, remembering each item of clothing Jared had carefully laid inside, the scripts Jensen had been sent, something to read, his iPod, his iPhone charger, they had known he would have to stay. Jared was crying. That was odd, why was Jared crying, Jensen focused, the doctor mumbling something about life expectancy, surgery results, Jensen couldn’t focus and he squeezed Jared’s hand back, grateful he was here, sad that he was crying. It will be OK…

_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_****_ __**I sit and talk to god, and he just laughs at my plans, my head speaks a language, I don’t understand.  
**   
_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_****_Jared sat and waited. The chair far too small for him and the coffee weak and watery. He held conversations in his head, remembered Jensen’s pale face as he was wheeled in to surgery, remembered whispering his love for only Jensen to hear. He wasn’t sure how long this was going to take, or how long he had been sat here, but he was determined to sit and wait. Jensen had made Jared promise not to phone his family, but what if he died on the table, what if they couldn’t understand why their son didn’t want them to know.

“No Jared, seriously,” he had said firmly, “this is in and out, they don’t need to know.”

”They are your family, you need to tell them.” Jared couldn’t imagine not telling his family everything, could not imagine being in a hospital bed for any reason without his brother ranting at the doctors and his sister reading to him, his mom bringing in food from outside and his dad pacing in concern. He didn’t understand it. “Help me understand Jen.”

“I know it isn’t fair, I just need you… please.” Jensen pleaded, making him promise not to phone, not totally aware of the responsibility this put on Jared, what if Jensen did die, would Jensen’s family hate him for not being able to say goodbye? They were good people, they didn’t deserve not being able to say goodbye. Jared bowed his head, tears in his eyes again; this was so damn stupid, why couldn’t he get a hang on his feelings. He wasn’t a man with a lot of faith; not as much as Jensen, but he did pray, he planned and he prayed and he made decisions and he promised so much, if only God would carry Jensen through this and return him whole and well afterwards.

It didn’t seem like God was listening, He didn’t answer, and Jared cried more, the hopelessness of the situation, the loneliness of the situation, wrapping it’s way skin tight around his heart and leaving him powerless to sit still and be calm.

_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_**I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste.** _

_****___**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
**  
The Doctor called Jared in the room, the letter of consent naming Jared as next of kin on the desk in front of him. He sighed, exhaustion slipping into his muscles as he allowed himself to relax somewhat.

“The operation we consider to be a success Mr Padalecki, a benign, meninges tumor was removed entirely through a 3-inch hole in the back of Jensen’s head. There will be a surface scar running vertically down his skull… with several small plates and screws holding the skull together… surgery went well… no complications... he’s in ICU now for round-the-clock monitoring. As you know the next 24 hours are critical because of potential brain bleeds. There is a big empty space inside his brain cavity and it will take time to fill that void and allow the cerebellum to expand into it. I don’t expect real change to her functions. He will remain in ICU for the time it takes to resolve any issues in and around his brain functions, but we hope to be moving him to his own room in the next seven to ten days.”

“Can I see him?”

“Mr Padalecki, as soon as ICU have him stable and in position you can see him for short periods of time, I am keeping him in an induced coma for the next forty eight hours at least to settle his fluids.”

Jared didn’t answer. Jensen was alive, Jensen had made it through surgery, in less that two days from Jared finding out he was ill, his lover had been operated on, and now lay in a coma in ICU. Carefully he turned his cell phone in his hands, and abruptly stood, causing the office chair to scoot backwards, the doctor clearly startled as six four of determined friend and lover stood and walked out of the office, mumbling under his breath.

Jared walked out of the building, the claustrophobia of medical smells, disinfectant, strong in his nose, and he slumped against the wall outside, thumbing his contacts and finding the one he needed.

He answered on the third ring, a smile in his voice, “Hello Jared,” he said, not worried that his son’s best friend was phoning him, not sensing anything wrong, until Jared said nothing. “Jared?” he asked gently, not used to quiet Jared, not used to the silence.

“Papa Ackles, I need to talk to you.”

_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

__**I don’t wanna die, but I ain’t keen on living either.  
**   
_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_****_If Jensen died, if everything went wrong, what was he going to do? He couldn’t stay here, not in Vancouver, not in this life, he would go with Jensen, he meant that, he would go, give up everything. How could he have another life, how could his own family be enough to see him through, it was impossible to imagine a time without Jensen now. Jensen laid still, the family gathered at the viewing window, each focusing on their own thoughts.

“He’ll need help.” Josh said simply, looking in through the glass, his little brother lying white against white on the bed, unconscious, a tube feeding him, a nurse fussing over him, checking vitals.

Everything was so still in the room, Jared had expected flurries of movement, and he leant his forehead on the cool glass watching the silence inside. “He’ll have me.” Jared said firmly.

“No offence Jared, but probably what he doesn’t need is a few beers and a Madden challenge.” Josh was being honest. The doctor had pulled out information, pushed over details that made Jared blink as he listened to the regime, the possible problems, the sickness, the months of rehabilitation, wondering how he was going to help his lover. Jensen hadn’t moved yet and the doctor’s warning was clear in his head.

”Mr Padalecki, brain tumors and their treatment may cause paralysis… they may also cause weakness and problems with balance. Physical therapists help patients regain strength and balance. Speech therapists help patients who have trouble speaking, expressing thoughts, or swallowing and occupational therapists help patients learn to manage activities of daily living, such as eating, using the toilet, bathing, and dressing…” the words spun in his head, Josh had received the same speech, in fact the whole family had.

“I…” Jared began, and Josh turned from him irritated, what could Jared say, what could he offer? How could he even start to explain that he wasn’t just filling the role of friend, but that he was filling the role of lover, husband and partner? Jensen’s family didn’t even know about their relationship, and he wanted to shout after Josh, who had pulled Mack into a hug, he wanted to shout, I love him, he is mine, I will be looking after him, me. But he didn’t, he just rested against the glass again, his body on the edge of exhaustion, his mind tired and drained, feeling Jensen’s mom standing next to him whispering something low and comforting, a hand firm on his arm. She pulled him into a hug, her eyes tired and filled with tears and Jared just accepted every ounce of love, every ounce of caring, and sobbed into Donna’s arms, he didn’t know what to say…

_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

__**And I need to feel, real love, and a life ever after, I cannot get enough.  
**   
_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_****_He moved his toes. Jared, he moved his toes.

__**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
**   
**I just wanna feel real love, in a life ever after, there’s a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.** _****_

__**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
**  
The family waited, Jared hanging back, watching as green eyes took in the world, blinking and stalling as Jensen frowned at the faces around him. Jared knew what he was thinking, I told you not to call them, and Jared knew what he was going to say to that, you could have died Jensen, hate me now, but I couldn’t do it.

Their eyes met and Jared half smiled, one hand in his hair as he pushed it back off of his face. Jensen tried to talk. “Mom…” he said softly, his slow drawled whispered voice loud in the white of the room. His mom moved forward clasping his hand and crying smiling as she said his name back, and then his family moved, each one kissing the brother, the son, and whispering words of love into his ears, and he could hear them, could see them, this was good.

“Jared…” he said softly, the faces of his family moving away as his lover moved past them to stand carefully at his side. They didn’t touch, Jared wanted too, Jensen knew that, “you phoned them…” he said softly, “…thank you.” he added, how could he have been so stupid not to want to let his family see him?

“Jen…” Jared started softly and caught Jensen’s hand in his, he wanted to say so much.

“I love you Jay.” Jensen said, his voice scratchy, his eyes bright with unshed tears, “thank you.”

Jared leaned down, his lips so close, kissing Jensen gently on the lips, knowing when he pulled back there would be questions he had to answer, but the touch of Jensen was so intoxicating, so very right. He pulled back slightly, his hands touching the shaven head on one side, his touch gentle.

“I love you too.”

_**+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++** _

_****__**And I need to feel, real love, and a life ever after, I cannot get enough.  
**_  
 _ **+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++**  
_  
It was three months when the next scan showed the clear space where once death had resided.  Both Jared and Jensen were used to looking at these scans now, and both could see exactly where the disease had been.  They just stood holding hands, staring at the scan, the doctor's words washing over them.

It was six months before they were back on Supernatural, the last season, cut from twenty two to sixteen episodes, and a season finale where the black screen fell on the brothers with shots being fired at them; ambiguous and certainly open for a film if Warner Brothers decided to capitalise on the whole brain tumour thing.

It hadn’t been easy those six months. The Doctor had been right. So many people needed a piece of Jensen, prodding and poking and suggesting and guiding, and it was all Jared could do to hold on tight and be there for him.

It wasn’t deliberate, the coming out, hadn’t been planned, but six months of specialists and visits and hospitals left very room for the friends only excuse to stay valid. The CW freaked, Eric didn’t, Jared freaked, Jensen didn’t, and in the space of a week the message boards were full of support that far outweighed any vitriol.

It was a boost to Jensen, a whisper of a thousand prayers that gave him the energy he needed, so much so he refused to let Jared cut his food up any more or help him in the bathroom, determined to be the man that his family and friends knew he could be, a fighter.

The first time he refused Jared’s help, the first time he tried to do something for himself. Jared cried. He sat in their room, sliding down the side of the bed, his face buried in Sadie’s fur and he cried, noisy heaving sobs of exhaustion and fear that knotted inside him. He hadn’t allowed himself to cry, but the incredible mix of relief that Jensen was so determined, and disappointment that he had refused Jared’s help, just forced the tears up from inside him. Jensen came to find him, easing himself down next to him, no tears in his eyes as he held Jared close. Snotty and red-faced Jared pulled at Jensen, as if just having skin to skin was enough to stop this growing blackness in him, and they sat for a long time. Finally Jensen sighed, his left hand side numb from twisting to hug Jared.

“You want I should let you cut my food?” he said softly, a smile in his voice. Jared looked up, his hazel eyes red rimmed, each lash that framed them thick and defined with tears and he returned the smile, feeling a certain peace spill through him.

”What did your last slave die of?” He smirked, touching his lips to Jensen’s aware that he probably tasted of salty tears which wasn’t probably that attractive.

“Not cutting up my steak.” Jensen returned quickly, chasing the kiss as Jared pulled back, wanting to keep the touch all for himself.

“Jerk.” _My jerk though._

“Bitch.” _Yeah, all yours._  



End file.
